This is my Beard. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My beard is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My beard, without me, is useless. Without my beard, I am useless. I must wear my beard true. I must never shave it, or let a blade touch it, for the razor is my enemy. I must conquer it before my enemy conquers me.

I will...

My beard and I know that what counts in life is not the money we make, the size of our truck, nor the beer we drink. We know that it is the beard that counts. We will grow it...

My beard is real, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will love it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its power, and its ability to attract women. I will keep my beard clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God, I swear this creed. My beard and I are the defenders of what it means to be real men. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of our brotherhood. So be it, until victory is ours and there is no enemy!